Happy New Year!!

Just some updated pics!!

Year's Closing

I hope everyone had a good holiday. Baby K's first Christmas was pretty nice. He got a few presents but what really made him laugh was his uncle Dennis playing and making goofy faces at him. Not quite ready for some of the toys he got. He's quite content when anyone just holds him. And now we are getting ready for the New Year.

What an eventful year it has been for me. Last New Year's eve, I was at a friends house playing the Wii and having a few drinks. This year, I will be with my baby at home. A girlfriend has invited me out and a part of me definitely wants to go but the larger part of me just wants to stay up til midnight with baby K. This has been the constant conflict for the last few weeks. In the past, I could go out with my single friends without a second thought and now I just can't stand to be away from my baby for more than a couple of hours. I keep telling everyone I wish I could just take him out with me, but that's not possible either. I guess I'm still trying to adjust to my new role. Baby K will always come first but there are times where I still feel I haven't completely let go of the old Diane. I could come and go to where ever I please without a care in the world to anyone else but me. But having this little person who seems to always be comforted in my arms and so happy to see me peering over his bed to pick him up has been the sweetest comfort imaginable. Please note, he still rarely leaves my arm when we are home. I started this entry with two hands and now typing with one. I just can't stand to hear him cry when all I know he wants is to cuddle with mommy. Looking at his sweet sad face is impossible to deny him that. *sigh :)

Have a Happy New Year everyone, you never know what kind of surprises could be in store......!

Happy Holidays

I am soo excited about having some more days off. The rest is always a welcome! Most importantly this is one of the warmest time of year because I get together with the rest of the family, open a few presents, eat lot's of food and go down memory lane. And now there's a new addition in our family which makes it an extra special Christmas. I even put a tree up. Normally my grandma puts a tree up so I really don't bother because all the of presents end up there. But this year I did. I want to start my own traditions with my son and even though he's too small to understand why I'm putting the tree up and decorating it with ornaments, I want him to know tradition started right away with mommy when he looks back at pictures.

He keeps changing right before my very eyes. I can't believe just a little over two months ago, he was still in my belly. And now he's here and active as ever. If he could, I bet he would start crawling and walking today. Sometimes, I just lay him on his boppy and he constantly punches and kicks the air giggling to himself. I videotape him as much as I can (not often enough) just because I think every little thing he does is so adorable. Well, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas! Stay Warm :) I will add more pics soon!

Comments comments

It's hard to find the energy to write the way that I used to because every single minute I have now is used to do something or finding a moment to lie down for a second. Being a mother is incredibly rewarding especially when I get one of my angel's little smile, but it is also incredibly exhausting. Especially now that baby K always just want to be in his mama's arms. Try making coffee and grabbing a bite to eat when there is a crying baby around because you are trying to get him to self soothe. Not easy! It's amazing though because no matter how crazy he is making me, every time I take a look at his adorable chubby cheeks, I instantly melt. He has me wrapped around his tiny finger! Motherhood definitely requires patience. I have never been more patient in my entire life. Which leads me onto the title of this blog.

Being around baby K has made me have more patience which is a good thing because if I didn't have any I would be fighting with my family and others every single day. I cannot count the many times I get this question, "So the father hasn't called?" "No people, but I promise you the second that he does, I will let you know so you can quit asking me this question!" I don't know how many times I have to repeat myself regarding baby K's father. We are both adults, I chose to keep baby K therefore, he is mine and mine to worry about. Baby K's father, (actually I like to just call him the man who contributed to half of baby K's genes) is a full grown man who has my contact information. If he truly wanted to be involved in baby K's life, then he would. It's his choice to stay away. In the meantime, I don't have time to think about it and rarely do until someone has to ask me this same question again and again. If I really wanted him around, believe me I'm not shy, I would contact him. So I wish some people would just let it go. Okay enough ranting about that. :)

It's been so incredibly busy at work right now, it's nice being a full time worker again even though I do miss my baby very much. It feels good to be needed and useful. I'm also starting to learn new things which has gotten me to really consider going back to school and getting another degree. My boss is totally encouraging it and has even given some advice. So that is another thing I'm looking into right now. My co-worker is like, "Are you crazy, aren't you busy enough?" I was going to wait until baby K is a bit older but my boss said now would be better and I think he's right. The sooner I do this, the sooner I can be done. My family will also help which I am so grateful for. Hopefully I can start taking classes by summer time or fall next year!

Mama's Boy

It's been awhile since I had a real moment to myself and have enough energy to gather my thoughts and write this entry. Most of the time after work, I'm completely exhausted but still have many things to do. Luckily with this past weekend being so cold, I got to just be at home and mainly relax. Couldn't catch up on too much sleep since Baby K wakes up every few hours. I'm still waiting for the day when I get 6 hours of sleep in a row. His sitter told me not for a long time because when he turns 16, I'll be waiting up for him to come home at night. Oh well, a girl can dream. But I will say waking up to his adorable face makes the interrupted sleep completely worth it. When I'm sooo tired and dragging myself out of a lovely dream, I just peek over and see his cute face looking up at me expectedly waiting for me to gather him up into my arms, I know it's so worth it.

Well..now he is definitely entering another stage. The "I don't want to leave mama's arm stage." For a good while, he was a pretty content baby playing by himself and only needed me when he was hungry or needed a diaper change. Those days have slowly disappeared. If I have him sit by himself even for a minute while I do the dishes or whatever, I hear him crying. It used to be where he could sit in his little rocker and be fine as long as he can still see mama. Now nothing soothes him better than being in my arms. He falls asleep when I hold him but the minute I put him in his little bed, he wakes right back up and the process starts all over again, playing, rocking, singing..and so on. That's also why it's been hard to blog. Typing with one hand was not easy, so I gave up. Amazingly this evening, he must be worn out because he is taking a nap right now and was fine when I put him in bed. So...although I may be tired most of the time, I know it all goes by way too fast. Someday he will be walking and won't need me as much and I'll long for the time when I can just hold my baby in my arms again. Although, what other mom's have told me is proving to be true. Every stage that he is entering gets more and more exciting to be around. At first I missed the days when he just came from the hospital because he was super tiny and doll like. He is growing so fast! But also now his personality is really coming out and it's so fun to witness all of it.

I hope everyone is excited for the holidays. The thing I'm looking forward to most is being around my family. It truly isn't about gift giving, it's about spending time with the people you love. Thanksgiving reminded me of that and now I can't wait until Christmas. I hope everyone has a Happy Holiday and remember the blessings they were given throughout this year. Even if times may seem dark, light is always on the horizon with a new day.

Happy Weekend!

It's so nice to have 4 full days of not working. I have been making sure that I spend as much time with baby K as possible. However, on Thanksgiving that was not easy. He was passed from one family member to the other. But he loved it. He loves looking at different faces. By the time he came home, he was passed out for the night...well at least until 2 in the morning when he woke up wanting his bottle.


After the night ended, I started talking to one of my cousins and he asked how I'm doing. I told him I have never been happier. One of the other younger cousins who somehow seemed to miss everything didn't even know I had a baby. No one bothered to tell him. Lol! He came downstairs and was like, "Who's baby is that?" He had been away at school during most of my pregnancy so he never even saw me getting heavier. However all of his siblings knew, I think everyone told him but he was oblivious. He then asked me, "So are you married now?" I just laughed. I think I will always get that question whenever anyone sees me with baby K. It doesn't bother me but it really shows how our society is still so tied to the idea of marriage first then baby. Back to my conversation with my cousin after he asked how I'm doing. I told him that I know I chose to take my life down the unconventional path by having a baby on my own especially in my culture but this was the right choice for me.

I always knew I was going to a mom. How I got there, I wasn't sure and now that I am a mom, it's the most fulfilling feeling I have ever had and I was trying to describe it to my cousin. He reassured me that I did the right thing no matter what anyone says and that he was really proud of me. I was even more aware of it when last night, I was putting baby K to sleep and he was silent and at peace staring up at me, I gave him a smile and he smiled back in return. It was a very heart melting moment. It was smile and off to dream land for baby K. Here a picture of him staring up into Uncle's Steven's face and smiling on Thanksgiving! Baby K has made the holiday even sweeter! I can't wait until Christmas!

Back At Work

Going back to work has been one of the most excruciating things I have ever done. I tried to be brave when I dropped him off with the sitter but the moment she said she had tissues for me on my drive to work, I couldn't help myself and burst into tears. Handing over my most precious cargo was like tearing my very own heart out. Now when I was at work, the hours just flew by because of all the work that needed to be done and I also got to visit my baby during lunch. Also, co-workers stopped by one by one to speak about my favorite subject (baby K) and that led to even more time passing by fast. So by the end of the day, I thought I was going to be okay.



But when I woke up this morning and fed baby K and was getting the both of us ready, I had some time left to cuddle and play with him for a bit. He rewarded me with this big smile and that's when I lost it again! My biggest fear is that all the hours he will spend with his sitter, he won't know who I am. I know it's crazy, but that fear is there. Now when 5 comes around at the end of my work day, I make sure that I am out of the office and on my way to pick him up. As soon as we get home, we cuddle and I hardly let him go. Leaving work is completely different now. In the past, I would just contemplate dinner and wonder what good show would be on later at night. Now I can't wait to see my baby and just hold him in my arms because the next morning comes way too soon. The good thing about going back to work is that it makes every second with him even more precious. Gotta go..he is crying for mommy.

E-waste

Another link to a story on how e-waste is affecting those who are "getting rid of it. "
http://marketplace.publicradio.org/display/web/2007/11/14/consumed5_pm_1

Ranting

Since becoming pregnant, my friends and family can attest to how easily I cry now. Anytime I see something on the news that involves some horror being inflicted to a child anywhere in this world, I cry. One of my best friend's came over to visit me a few weeks ago and we talked about her move next year, immediately I started crying. She didn't know how to react. On one hand, she has been used to seeing me cry throughout my pregnancy, on the other hand, how easily I cry is something else. Having baby K in my life has opened up my heart in so many ways, I can't even begin to describe it. At first I thought since I love him so much, there couldn't possibly be anymore room for me to love anything else. However, the powerful flow of the love that I have for him has expanded my heart in more ways than I could ever have imagined. Some people believe children pick their parent's before their birth. I believe baby K was sent to me like a little angel to inspire me to spread more love all around.

Which takes me back to the beginning of this blog. Seeing how innocent and delicate my baby is, I just can't understand how or why anyone would want to hurt a child. Children cannot defend themselves. Being around children is one of the best ways of seeing the law of attraction in action immediately. Children are so open with their feelings, they haven't learned how to put their guard up yet. When you cuddle and constantly show affection to them, they reward you with this full hearted smile that just takes your breath away. You grow overwhelmed with pride that you got to be the one to make them smile. So what happens to children who aren't being nurtured and cared for? Children who are abused? What do you think? How do they grow up?

I saw on an episode of 60 minutes a place in China where leftover computer and other technological materials are going to be "destroyed." People there are being paid this pitiful amount to do this so called job. Only they're not really doing it right and so dangerous toxins are seeping into their water and land increasing their chances of getting all sorts of cancer. It broke my heart to see a child playing in a small stream of water. The people there are aware of the danger from doing the job, but they are also desperate for the small amount of income. Now the important question becomes, how can anyone even allow for this to happen? Our their lives so meaningless that it's okay to leave them in this e-waste region? And what is it doing for our planet? Where do you think unwanted computer parts go? I'm sure not a lot of people are aware of the consequences that go along with throwing these items out. I urge everyone to look into this. We only have one planet that is sustainable for humankind, it is up to us to protect it. Please check out this link if you have a chance. http://www.greenlivingonline.com/HomeGarden/stop-e-waste-by-recycling/

Our Healthcare (long post)

Okay, this post is going to be slightly different from my regular posts. One of the most talked about debates I have heard and read lately is on our country's health care. I have always hated how things were regarding this topic, but now I feel it just keeps getting worse. Why is our country one of the last in the world to not provide free health care? Not that I'm really sure this is the way to go....

All I know is that what I've heard from those who are on Medicaid, they get crappy health treatment and not the same kind as those who have regular health insurance. And what about those who actually pay the hefty premiums? I have noticed from my own experience that most of the time, the doctor's want to spend only the allotted time their "schedule" permits, to correctly diagnose whatever issue you went to them for in the first place. So they prescribe some random prescription drug or an at home remedy and send you off. If you go back to them again because you are still suffering, you are in there for maybe about 10 minutes, and if they still can't figure you out, they either refer you to a specialist or make you get an MRI. All of those things cost money. Our own money. The insurance company and you pay for it. Why not take the time to really talk to a patient and process the symptoms then direct them to whatever treatment is needed? I'm not saying complicated diseases are easy to figure out, but I honestly feel a lot of illnesses could be diagnosed sooner. Not that I'm pointing the blame solely on doctor's, there are reasons behind every action.

Now I really like the pediatrician baby K goes to but even with her, I feel like she is in a hurry whenever we see her. I guess her time truly is precious. She is sweet to him and is so far pretty good but it worries me how much of a hurry she always seems to be in. Now I pay a lot of money for both mine and my baby's health care. Even though I have always complained about my own doctor, I really expect the best one for my baby.

Again, would health care be as costly if symptoms were diagnosed correctly sooner rather than lately? I'm sure there are plenty of ways to cut health costs, I can't go into all of that right now. It is pretty late. I just feel our health system is in a really sad state. People who really need health care and can't afford it are basically given crappy treatment. Those who do have insurance are paying an arm and leg for it. Why is that if you are an illegal immigrant in this country, you don't have to pay anything but if you are a hard working citizen, you pay a ton for health coverage? Where is the balance? I honestly feel everyone should have health care provided. Would there be so many issues with this if greed wasn't a factor? Centuries ago when societies were more about building up the community and not just individual selves, physicians freely took care of everyone around them, even those who couldn't afford to knowing somehow they would be paid in other ways. An example would be from a poor merchant who had fallen on hard times who later give free goods to that physician for earlier treatment. The exchange was trust, not money. I'm not saying things were always golden, but as we have evolved and the chase is for accumulating more material items what good has that served us?

Updated pic of me and my baby K

He is looking up at his mommy. :)

Song

I wanted to put the lyrics of a song by Shania Twain on here that I really love. I've always loved her as a singer and thought her songs were heart touching but this particular song really stuck out for me the first time I heard it. In a way it reminds me of my mom and always brings tears to my eyes. Now I have my own baby and am so glad I kept him even though there were doubts from many people who told me otherwise. Life will present challenges and what we do with them will determine who we become. Shania herself has an amazing story, she lost her parent's when she was really young and had to support her siblings on her own. Now look where she is today. I strongly suggest everyone listen to this song sometime.

Shania Twain

I Ain't Goin' Down lyrics

I'm gonna hold on--'cause what I believe in is so strong

No matter how long, no one Can tell me I'm wrong--I ain't goin' down. I had a baby at fifteen--Daddy never did forgive me I never heard from the guy again

I had to drop outta high school--Everybody treated me so cruel

But I didn't give in and giver her away

[Repeat Chorus]

Her smile got me through the day--And every night I'd pray

I could give her enough

At night I'd lie awake and cry--Hopin' we'd get by'Cause you can't live on love

I worked night and day to keep us goin'

Through the sweat and tears Without her knowin'

It was worth it just to watch her grow

Oh, oh, at least I was able to hold her

Whenever she needed my shoulder

I'm so glad I never let her go

[Repeat Chorus]

Her smile got me through the years--Dried away the tears

And filled me with hope

At night I'd lie awake and cry--Prayed we would get by

And for the courage to cope

Oh, oh, oh[Instrumental solo]

Her smile got me through the day--And every night

I'd pray I could give her enough

[Repeat Chorus (2x)]No on can tell me I'm wrong

I ain't goin' down

Mom Equal Guilts

Being a mom has a lot of rewards. You have this adorable little person you can cuddle with and eyes that stare back at you with utter innocence. Living in this chaotic crazy world where everything is moving way too fast, nothing beats having your child stare into your eyes as you are feeding him or her. However, there is also another major downfall that comes with motherhood. I've heard it before but the actual experience of it really is bad. It is 24 hours of guilt. If I want a moment to myself to read an article and he's awake, I feel guilt. If I take too long to lift him out of his bed when he's crying in the middle of night because he's hungry, I feel guilt. I chide myself constantly for not being a good enough mother even though he seems like a fairly happy baby especially after getting his bottle.

Something tells me this will never go away. When I get that nagging feeling of guilt bubbling up, I have to stop and evaluate the situation carefully or it just eats at me. I actually talk myself through the whole scenario and eventually I either realize I'm being ridiculous or I chalk it up to a lesson learned. I have to constantly remind myself that I am a brand new mom who is utterly devoted to her son and only wants the best for him but there are things I have yet to learn. Oh and another thing, all of the women in my family like to point out what I need to do for my child. Now don't get me wrong, I love them very much but to constantly have them in my ear about how to swaddle him, how to feed him, how to burp him makes me want to scream!! I'm so glad to have this blog to vent about this. Now I have held my tongue which normally I don't do but I know they are only saying things out of love. I just go into my own world when they start their advice giving. And then I nod and say, "OK I will listen to you." As soon as they are out the door, I go back to how I take care of him. I am with my son all day long, I know how he likes to be taken care of and when there are questions, I immediately call his pediatrician or my other mommy friends. My family members have given me wrong advice so many times now I have learned to be careful when taking their advice. When the doctor put me on bed rest, they kept stressing to me to go out walking to help the pregnancy out. Just to shut them up, I asked my doctor if it was okay for me to go on daily walks and he sternly said, "No, I put you on bed rest, that means no daily walks." Thank you!

Aright, off to bed now. It's late, I never stayed up this late before baby, how am I going to survive the work schedule again once I go back???

Looking Back

I can't believe how many changes have occurred in just a year. Last November, I was getting ready to start a new job. I was excited about the change and ready for it. Little did I know how much life would change in just a year. A friend I grew up who was single last year just got married and moved to California. Another friend delivered 5 babies and is now home with them. They are so adorable! So I can't complain too much with just 1 baby! Auntie C turned 30 this year and we were so glad to be there to celebrate that occasion. And I for the first time went to vote. Yep, baby K and I went on Tuesday to vote. I know it's sad that this was the first time I did it but in the past, I just didn't know enough about politics which is no excuse! However I am older now and I realize how truly important it is to vote. It matters and having a baby pushed me to really become involved. Hopefully our country will see a lot of good changes in the next couple of years. All I know is that I'm really optimistic and am excited to see how things will unfold. No matter how down things may look, all I can do is accept it and just hope that tomorrow will bring better changes. Everything in life happens for a reason. I know that for sure. In the beginning of my pregnancy, I was scared and didn't think I was up to the challenge of becoming a single mother. Now I know baby K has made me a better person and everyday he teaches something new.

I can't believe how fast this year has passed. One of my friends visited me and baby K the other evening and he said he couldn't believe I already had my baby, he said it seemed only like yesterday that I told him I was having a baby. Auntie H and I marvel at the changes from last year all the time. How fun was it to flirt with a particular guy at his workplace last year? Thinking about him still makes me giggle. You know who I'm talking Auntie H! And you'll always remember my reaction at McAlister's! I never waddled so fast out of place ever! But I regret nothing. I like to think of life as an adventure to be enjoyed with the people you love. Lot's of laughter can cure just about anything and the memories I have gathered this year will always have a strong impression on me. I'm going to miss my buddy who moved to Cali, who else can tell me I eat like a cow? But I'm happy for him and wish him lot's of love. Now winter is coming and a new year is right around the corner...

I have posted some pics on here. Sorry took so long!

Time Speeding By

I am with my son all the time except for when I have to do a quick errand and he's with grandma. My maternity leave will be over in a couple of weeks and it's painful to think about. I have all of the normal fears that go with leaving your child for more than a few hours. Will he be taken care of the way that I take care of him? Will he be held when he's screaming his head off just because he needs some loving attention? Will he like his daycare person more than his mommy? I can't believe how fast time moves. It seems just like yesterday I was going into the hospital to have him. And now he is getting so big right before my eyes. The other day I was holding and feeding him and I remembered how extremely tiny he was when he came home from the hospital. He looked like a tiny little doll, his cries so soft, you had to be really close to him to hear it.

Now his face has rounded out and you can practically hear his cries down the street when he's hungry. He has no patience when it comes to his bottle! I just want to enjoy every single second with him. Even though it's hard sometimes, I love being at his beck and call throughout the day. More and more his personality is coming out and I like to think that he truly recognizes his mommy when I pick him up after a long nap. Gotta go, he is waking up and he's hungry!

Life Shifts

Even though in some ways, I'd like for things to stay the same, I know they will never be again. Everything is viewed so differently now. I've always cared about the environment around me but now it's 10 fold. More than anything in this world, I want peace and stability to surround us.

Another change I've noticed is that I used to love working but now the thought of leaving my baby for so many hours fill me with such anxiety I can't even think about it without tearing up. I've grown so attached to my son, that if he's not in the same room with me for a more than a few hours, I can't stand it. Yet, when I'm with him all day long, I yearn to have a moment just by myself. It's difficult to explain, I'm torn between two very different emotions. I can't stand to be without him, but I also long to travel somewhere for a few hours to roam around and explore a new environment without worrying about my son like the old me. However, I know that will never happen. I am not the old me. I am a brand new person. I'm not sure if other women who are brand new mom's can relate to this or not, but I remember one time when I first got into my car to drive somewhere it had felt so wonderful to not have a bump or baby in the back seat. It was just me. I didn't have to worry about someone else at that moment. I knew he was in good hands with his grandma. But when I arrived home, I didn't waste one second reaching for my son to just stare at him. It's like the old me still wants to come out but the new me is definitely there. Very conflicting. I don't know if my words are making any sense or not, I can't seem to process things the way that I used to. I'm sure I just need more time to reconcile my emotions. Being a mom is incredibly rewarding but at the same time, there are so many shifts internally and externally that nothing can prepare you for it. Life takes on a whole new meaning.

Love

I love my family and friends but the kind of love I experience every time I look at my son completely overwhelms me. It is like no other kind of love. It literally feels like my very heart is outside of my body. I now know what it feels like to love someone more than yourself. He could wake up screaming at 3 in the morning for a bottle and diaper change, and I still feel this rush of love that takes over me. He makes me see the world in a different way. I can't keep up with the things that used to drive me. I am different. I am a mother. :)

My day is consumed by my baby. I forget to eat and do other simple things because he constantly needs me. Hours will go by and I'll realize I hadn't eaten since morning time. It is now late, but I wanted to update this really fast.

Love this blog

Love this blog by Booke Burke..http://www.babooshbaby.com/blog/?paged=3. And she even mentions sleep deprivation. Everyone says it does get better! Thank goodness!

Goodbye Sleep

I never thought I would be so happy with 3 hours in a row of sleep. I always heard that you can kiss sleep goodbye forever once you become a mother and it's the truth. All of my close friends know how much I love to sleep in but now if I only get 5 hours of sleep a day, I'm pretty good. For awhile there, Baby K was waking up every 2 hours to eat. That meant I only got an hour of sleep here and there. Everyone has told me say to sleep when the baby sleeps during the day but I find that impossible! I was never a nap person and so I would be up by the afternoon after only catching about 3 hours of sleep. I also wouldn't go to bed until about 1 in the morning because so many things were racing through my mind at night time. You would think I would just pass out once my head hit the pillow! So all week long, I have been pretty sleep deprived. Luckily my mom saw it and has really been a big help. She has been with me and has gotten up in the middle of the night to change and feed baby K during the past 2 days and I have never felt better.

I could see what was happening to me with the lack of sleep. I felt irritable and completely out of sync. I felt like I was just walking around in a daze. Today, with much needed sleep I feel almost like my old self again. I was able to get some work done and spend quality time with my son, not just changing, feeding, and rocking him to sleep. While he was in my arms today, I read him a story which I thought he was enjoying until he fell asleep in the middle of it. Oh well...he will eventually learn to love reading time. :)

So to single mom's who have no help, my heart completely goes out to you. It really helps to have someone take over some of the feeding times. A friend, close relative, or anyone you trust who volunteers to help, I suggest taking it, you will notice a big difference. Women want to do it all and have a hard time accepting help from others, believe me...I can relate but for the sake of your baby and you, take whatever help that comes along. I wanted to do everything all by myself and was okay with it until I started to crash and burn. I have already realized in order for me to be a good mom, I must also take care of myself. Even a nice long shower goes a long way now. Those few precious moments where I can just be under the water really helps to restore me. Thank goodness for my family and friends. They have been a tremendous help to me and will continue to be so. I won't run out of babysitters anytime soon. Thank you! But getting away for a bit has also been good because for even a short period of time you feel that ache inside of you telling you how much you miss your precious little one. It's really strange...maybe because I'm so used to being with him all of the time now that it feels foreign to go somewhere without him. But you just feel that stretch of distance between you and your baby, it's indescribable, all I know is that when I'm away whether at a doctor's appointment or getting something to eat around the corner, I can't wait to come back home and hold my little angel again.

Ahh..Motherhood

I have never been happier then being in the place where I am today. When I look at my baby it feels like he is the greatest accomplishment I have ever achieved. Every day he changes and I'm so glad to have this time to be at home with him all day long. He makes the cutest little expressions when he's hungry and when he's full. And so far, keeping my fingers crossed, he hasn't been very fussy at all. He does wake up about every 3 hours to eat and boy does he love to! It's so surprising since he's such a tiny little guy, afterall he was born 3 weeks early.

It all started when I went in for my regular doctor's appointment. Everything looked good until the lab results came in. My doctor came back into the room and told me I definitely had Toxemia and it was getting worse and I was getting more sick everyday. He said he wanted to induce me that night but if I wanted to wait, they would just have to monitor me more closely and that I would definitely be in worse condition. The only way to help me was by taking the baby out. But all I could think about was the baby. He reassured me that the baby would be fine and after I asked him for his suggestion, he told me that he strongly advised inducing me that night. So after leaving his office, everything was a whirlwind. Luckily, I had just packed my hospital bag the night before. My best friend came right over to my house to pick me up and take me to the hospital. I made a dozen calls to everyone, including my mom who was frantic. She was the one who made me pack my hospital bag because she kept saying over and over she had a feeling the baby would come early.

I ended up staying in the hospital alone that night after telling everyone I would prefer it that way. It was to be the very last night that he was going to be in my tummy and I really wanted to treasure those moments. Everytime I could feel him wiggling around in there made more of an impression on me. I spoke to him a bit telling him I couldn't wait to see him and that even though it was hard at times, I truly enjoyed carrying him around. The contractions kept getting stronger and stronger as the night wore on. I was becoming more and more anxious. Around 1 in the morning, they gave me a sleeping pill to help me relax since they saw that I kept tossing and turning. The contractions were a bit painful but not as bad as I imagined. However, a nurse came in around 3 in the morning because she saw that I was wide awake again since the contractions were so strong and suggested that I have the epidural right then. It wasn't bad at all and it did help a lot.

So that went on for most of Saturday but I had my whole support system with me. My friends and family were all gathered around. The whole room was filled awaiting his arrival. The nurse even commented on how lucky the baby was to have so many people excited to see him.
When the actual labor started, I will have to say it is something I will remember for the rest of my life! It was the hardest thing I ever did! Literally afterward, if felt like my body had gone through a war zone. The epidural wore off sometime during the middle of it but at that point I didn't care if I could feel the contractions or not and told the nurse and doctor so. Feeling the pain actually helped me to keep going. I had my two best friends in the room with me and they were an enormous help. I won't go into the full details of it but they saw how much I suffered. However, the moment they put him on me and had me cut the cord, I never felt so much relief to see how good he looked that the tears just start flowing for me and my friends. And now we are home and at this very moment he is napping. :)

I will try and be better at updating this now that I have healed pretty well.

He's Here

I have been MIA because after my bed rest last week, on Friday the doctor decided to induce me because I was getting pretty sick. He was born the very next day at 6:33 pm. It was one of the hardest things I have ever been through but incredibly worth it. I've been home with him this week and I have to say motherhood is amazing. I love being the one he turns to for all of his needs. The routine is pretty basic for a newborn. He eats, sleeps a lot, and dirties his diapers.

Today he is staying up a little longer which is good...so I can get a bit more sleep at night. :)
I have to say though not getting much sleep is working out for me. I thought I would feel really sleep deprived but I don't. I just sleep when he sleeps. I've been lucky to have a lot of help around because I'm still in the healing process and so I can't do very much. Gotta go now. Just wanted to give a quick update.

Bed Rest! Uh!

Well, the doctor gave me strict orders today to put my feet up. So no more working in the office until after my maternity leave. I feel like I'm going to be so completely bored, although I do still have a lot of things to do before his arrival. I took a tour the maternity ward yesterday and the rooms were beauiful! It was like a mini suite in a nice hotel. It made me even more excited for his birth.

Over the weekend my friends threw me a shower and it was quite eventful. I was up and moving around a lot so that probably didn't help my condition. It was such a beautiful event and I will put a few pictures on here. Thanks to all of my girlfriends!!! Now I will need the aunties to come over whenever they can to entertain me. :) The doctor said I'm in the beginning stages of Toxemia. He didn't even want me going back into the office today to tie up some loose ends, but he didn't give me a complete NO either. He just said no more work for me after today.

And believe it or not, I still have not had a chance to pack my hospital bag and sanitize his bottles. So in between putting my feet up, I hope to get those things done. I'm getting pretty anxious especially after he said he might have to induce me. They are going to be monitoring me and the baby twice a week now. I just need to relax!! No stress allowed for me. At least I will have a chance to update this more often. Well...until he is born. :)

Weekend Update

Why does the weekend always zoom by? I used to think getting up in the mornings were hard, now it's even harder when I'm trying to roll out of bed and also cope with the lack of sleep from having to get up in the middle of night like 20 times just to use the restroom. He literally is on top of my bladder!

I should have spent most of the weekend with my feet up since my ankles are pretty swollen, but that didn't seem to happen. I did get some rest on Sunday which was nice. Saturday, I went with Auntie H to a baby event because they promised a free gift bag full of goodies. What a rip off, instead the guy was trying to sell us on some stuff and gave us these coupon voucher things that we have to sign up online for. I haven't even tried it yet but when I looked at the invitation again, it still seemed very misleading. Oh well..live and learn. Maybe those vouchers will do some good. I still can't complain too much because I know there are many others out there who are really in need especially with the way our economy is lately. I had lunch with a friend today and he told me his company is taking away health insurance for their employees. I was in shock! And he's normally a pretty laid back guy but even this had him a bit worried. They hadn't announced it yet, so I can't say which company this is. My heart just goes out to the people who work for them. There are several who only make minimum wage and so this will truly impact them. Everywhere I turn I hear more and more stories like this. I just have to keep them all in my prayers.

Okay, back to my weekend, I get distracted so easily. I washed baby's clothing on Saturday with Dreft and saw how much he has. I only washed the ones that I know he will need right away. They are so tiny and adorable! As I was folding his socks and hats, I couldn't help but to think, "How long will he be in them before he gets too big?" Everyone says they outgrow their new born clothing fast. It just made me really happy to know that I will have 6 blissful weeks where I get to be with my son all day long. I'm completely looking forward to it because I know I won't get back that time ever again. As the days are getting shorter, I'm sure everyone is feeling like time is just flying by! Sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday, when I saw the word "pregnant" on the pregancy test I took at home. From breaking the news to my family to actually getting ready for his arrival I have witnessed all sorts of miracles around me and kindness from friends, family, and strangers. Now soon, I will get to hold him in my arms. :)

Another Day Closer

I can just smell fall in the air and I love it! Seeing the leaves change colors reminds me of why I love living in Indiana. It gets me so excited and anxious to bundle up my baby and take him on long walks around the neighborhood, hopefully soon.

Doubts creep into my thoughts every now and then and each time it does, someone says something to me that reminds me of how blessed I really am. It's like a nudge from a guardian angel reminding me I'm not totally alone and that I am looked after. As the days keep getting closer to his arrival, I'm going stir crazy! I can't keep still at work even though I should have my feet up to prevent more swelling. Instead, I'm running around like crazy, making to do lists, and working harder than ever. I just want to be able to wrap up as much as I can before I go on maternity leave. Even though I will still be doing some work from home, I really don't know how productive I'll be with an infant around.

After work today as soon as I got home, I did some fast cleaning before getting online. I always heard about nesting, but just thought, "Oh, I'm sure I'll do it a bit of cleaning but not go overboard on it." Wrong! There is some sort of panic that I have never experienced before where I feel like nothing is clean and all I want is for my baby to arrive in the cleanest environment possible. This feeling did not set in until now. I find that to be very strange because I thought if it did set in, it would happen right away. Okay, have run now and take some more things off of my list before it gets too late and I'm ready to crash in bed!

Worry Madness

There are so many things you worry about during pregnancy that it can get pretty overwhelming. As the due date gets closer, my list of things to do seems to be increasing. Cleaning does become more a top priority (nesting, they call it??) and making sure your home is truly ready for a new born baby to arrive. But after an exhausting day at work when you come home, all you want to do is put your swollen feet up. So everything on your list gets pushed aside to the weekend. Only....I don't have that many weekends left before his arrival. Yikes!

I just need to breathe and realize everything will get done and to also pace myself. As tired as I am, I still do so much running around. I feel like a walking zombie half the time because my mind is so spaced out from the lack of sleep. I'm sure most people can see the glazed expression on my face and I'm so sorry! It's just so hard to sleep at night. To not be able to roll over easily and trying to sleep in just one position... it's so hard! The nurse said I can try sleeping on a recliner and see if that helps. I might try that sometime this week. Hopefully it'll help. Sorry this post is not very interesting. My brain is shutting down. I will come up with something better by the end of the week. :)

How lucky are we little baby!!

Today my co-workers threw me a baby shower. No matter how many baby things I already have, I can't help but to enjoy getting more. I'm so incredibly lucky to work with such a great bunch of people. I oohhhed and ahhhhed my way through all of the gifts and they remembered how much I wanted an ocean theme for my baby boy. I tried to find a crib bed set to go with an ocean theme, but they are impossible to find! There are plenty of Winnie The Pooh ones though! I wish I could have taken a picture of the cake, it was blue like underwater and had dolphins on it. Oh well...it's okay I have a back up and also picked out jungle pieces for my other items.

Everyone also seemed to remember the little things I would say and their gifts reflected it. One co-worker got me a lullaby Beethoven cd. I remember telling her that I heard babies who listen to classical music are slightly more advanced, not sure if it's true, but it couldn't hurt. :) Another co-worker must have remembered me saying I wanted to dress my baby in a turkey costume on Thanksgiving because she got him a pumpkin one for Halloween and a turkey one for Thanksgiving. I know, I know...so embarrassing...but hey it'll be one of the few times when I will get to dress him in any way I please. Haha!

He also received more clothes and bath items. He will be one squeaky clean baby with his new bathing items as well as entertained with all of his duckies to play with during bath time. Lastly, he got this amazing swing where he will definitely be in, if mommy has to work on her laptop or do the dishes. These pics show some of the items he has already accumulated. I am definitely lucky and thankful to everyone! Lastly, sorry Auntie H for dragging you around on Saturday and having you lift things. But baby and I love you to pieces. Oh and one word of advice for other expecting mom's out there. I just got invited to an event where they will be giving away baby items worth a lot! Sign up for all baby events, sites, and items you know you will use. It's amazing how many free things you can get for your baby.











Mommy's little Prepster

Whirlwind

It has been a busy couple of days, but I'm not feeling as stressed out anymore which is a good thing. I can't believe how fast this month is already going. Pretty soon, I'll only have a month to go before the baby's due date. Thanks to everyone around me and my spur of the moment shopping, the baby has plenty of clothes right now.

They are so teeny and everyone keeps telling me how fast he will grow out of them, but I just want to enjoy the moments when he is still in them. I don't even want to think about how fast he'll be growing. For now, just daydreaming about rocking him to sleep and kissing his adorable milky mouth is pretty blissful itself. The little socks and hats are so adorable he has gotten are so cute!! I will have to post pictures soon of what my little baby already has.

The cramping still comes in a few times a day, but I am still good. Luckily my best friend went shopping with me yesterday and helped carry something that I would not have been able to. She is good to me. :) The baby will adore his auntie!

Tomorrow my co-workers are throwing my baby shower. I'm quite excited about it and will have to post details on here. What they say is true, "Sometimes it takes a whole community to raise a child." I just cannot believe the support I've had since the very beginning. It truly makes me so happy. This will be another busy week for me, so hopefully, I won't go so long again without writing on here. But also, by the time I get home, I'm exhausted. But things are cruising along nicely for now. Ciao!

The highs and lows

I always said I would be pretty honest with my blog. I have been on an emotional roller coaster since finding out I was expecting. I have never cried so much or so hard ever before. I cry from happiness, sadness, and worry. There have been plenty of late nights where I stay up thinking and feeling sorry for myself. Nobody told me it was going to be an easy path, and I didn't expect it to, but nothing could have prepared me for the deep sadness I have felt at times either. When I came back from grocery shopping on Saturday, it reminded me of how hard it is to do this alone. I had no one to help me carry all the bags in and afterwards, I felt some cramps. I definitely put my feet up for the rest of the weekend and also went to have my baby monitored on Monday. But my co-worker gave me a huge lecture that morning. She reminded me of all the people who love me in my life and how it was wrong for me not to ask for help from anybody. She said, "Don't you think everyone would be even more mad at you for not asking than if you did?"

I have just been so independent for so long that it's hard for me to lean on someone. However, for the safety of my baby....I will definitely be asking for more help from now on. Already, he is teaching me a few lessons. I need to let go and learn to trust more with everyone especially the people who I care about and the people who care about me.

Everyone at my work has been so supportive and protective of me during this time. I can't believe how fortunate I am to work with such great people. So even though, I have tough times and wallow in self pity every now and then, I try to remember how good I also have it. My girlfriends have been my rock, and my family loving too. So when I feel alone at times..I have to remember I never truly am. I have many around me and most importantly a little one who will make his arrival into the world very soon. Lastly, I want to mention one of the best highs that come from being pregnant...getting to feel your baby move inside of you. Each and everyday, he kicks or squirms around solidifies our bond even more. It never fails to take my breath away. I can just pass the hours away staring at my belly every time he moves. Luckily he does go to sleep or I would do nothing but sit and stare. And every night, I pat my tummy and remind him of how much mommy loves him. Singing and reading to my belly has now become a part of my routine because they say at this stage, they can hear now. At the end of the day, he is the last person in my mind. No matter who bothers me that day or who I need to call tomorrow, everyone else disappears when I close my eyes to go to sleep.... except for my baby.

Weekend Update

It's getting a bit harder to move around but overall everything is still good. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I told all of my friends that I refuse to waddle. I will try to be as stealth as possible. Boy was I wrong. Now towards the end of my pregnancy, I'm waddling more than ever. I feel like a penguin moving around. It looks so funny but I just can't help it. Also, since I'm not used to having this belly, I keep bumping into things with it. I have become so clumsy, I even knocked something over with my belly at Walmart yesterday. It was so embarrasing. Lol...I hope the people who saw me understood. I wonder if others have done that?

But on Friday, I saw this movie with my best friend and it was the best movie ever. It's called "The Women" and it really went into the friendship and lives of women. It reminded me of how important my friends are and how I always hope to nurture our friendships because without them, I wouldn't be who I am or where I am today. I also stayed out late on Friday night which it has been a long time since I've stayed out that late. It reminds me all of the changes my life has taken now. But it was good and I needed it. I don't know how many late nights of going out I will get to have again after baby's arrival. In some ways, I don't want things to change and I want it to go back to how my life used to be but in other ways, I'm ready for it and welcome it. But everyone tells me that once he arrives I won't have time to think about anything again because I will be too preoccupied with him. So that was good to hear too. I do like keeping busy!

Daily changes

There are so many quirks that you feel during pregnancy but every woman is different. Some things you will never know about until you it happens to you. The other day I could feel my little baby stretching himself in my belly. It doesn't really hurt but it definitely felt strange. My whole belly just expanded while he did it. Now when he flips over and kicks me really hard, I lose my breath for a moment because it's such a surprising sensation.

I am now at the stage where I am getting extremely anxious. My co-worker told me I would reach this point where it's impossible to sleep because you keep thinking about the baby's impending arrival. Sleep is also difficult when you have to get up and go to the bathroom every 2 hours and no matter what position you sleep in, you are never truly comfortable. I have pillows everywhere and it doesn't do anything. You are really supposed to be sleeping only on your left side but he seems to be laying right on top of my bladder in that position. And if I do try and sleep on my right side, my right hands gets numb. It is also literally getting harder and harder just to get out of bed. I have to roll off, if I wasn't so big, it's actually quite funny. Everyone did tell me about waking up in the middle of night with charlie horses. I get them in my calves, and there is no pain like it. The only thing that helps it is massaging it or stretching my legs. The things your body goes through in preparation for the baby is amazing.

I know I will remember these days for a long time. As he gets heavier, the more I'm ready for his arrival. Now I know why some women just can't wait to go into labor. Sorry to sound whiny, but carrying around an extra 30 pounds of weight and hearing everyone tell me I look like I'm ready to pop now has gotten me kind of cranky. The next time, some man asks if I'm having twins, I really just want to say back, "No, are you??!" All in all, I'm still trekking through each day and remembering the longer my little one stays in my tummy, the better it is for him. I will give him talking to tonight, I found out today, his head is already in position. We will have a serious discussion about the benefits of him staying in mommy's belly a bit longer . I know he may be anxious to see the world and all the family and wonderful aunts who's anxious to see him, but they are okay waiting. :) I have some other fears gnawing at me, but I will go into that another day. This is quite a journey for me and I'm so glad I have a lot of support around me. Lastly, I'm ready to eat seafood again and drink coke!

My Weekend

I didn't do too much this weekend. Did some errands and cooked a lot at home. Also, bought some more baby clothes. My new worry is making sure he has plenty of clothes during the winter months. I'm not very good at driving especially in the snow, so I want to be as prepared as possible. Of course, I would have to go to the stores anyways during that time, but I still want to make sure I have at least his clothes ready.

At the bookstore yesterday, I remember thinking from now on after his birth, he will go everywhere with me. I will have to make special arrangements if I have to go somewhere I prefer not to take him to. That kind of hit home for me. I mean, I knew this all along, but for some reason, the whole thing dawned on me just yesterday. My life will not only be making room for another person, but he will be by side.... all the time. I know I have relatives who can babysit, but for the most part, I won't want to leave him unless I absolutely have to. I wonder how long before I get used to that and adjust to it. I think everyone is scared of change in some way. This is a huge change for me. I have been so used to doing whatever I want and going anywhere I want without having to answer to anybody.

Even though I am scared, I also realize life is about transitions. Nothing ever stays the same. We all get a little aprehensive about the unknown. I will document everything that I feel after his birth. No matter what, I am very excited for his arrival. That is one thing I do know for sure. I wonder what others around the world is scared of at this moment. Scared of losing a job? A loved one? A breakup? I guess having a little fear makes us more aware of how precious things are. You just never know what kind of turn your life will take. All we can do is enjoy the here and now. A year ago last year, I never would have imagined I would be preparing for motherhood right now. I was just a single girl enjoying the dating life. It really goes to show so much can happen within the span of year.

One down...

Okay, I finally got the name and number of a pediatrician who comes highly recommended. I have others as an option but I have been waiting for this one. I heard he adores children and is incredibly doting, which is what I hear about most pediatricians but there was something about him that really made me want to contact him. So that's one thing I can cross off my list now.

Having a nice long list of options to choose from when considering where to take your child for medical care made me really think about something today. For a couple of month's Pampers united with UNICEF to run this campaign where if you buy specially marked diapers, one woman in developing country's gets a vaccination to protect her and her newborn against tetanus. They raised over $45 million and seeing news like that makes me really happy. I take it for granted sometimes that I can just go to my doctor's appointment and expect to be given exceptional care when in actuality there are many other's in our country, yet alone our state who can't expect the same kind of treatment. I was speaking to one of my fellow juror today and he told me that when his wife was first expecting the doctor told her that her due date was between
April and July. I was absolutely astounded! I questioned him about the ultrasound. During my first ultrasound, they told me down to the day how old my baby was inside of me. I remember it clearly the ultrasound tech saying, "You are 7 weeks and 2 days along." But all he could say was that because his wife was on Medicaid, she didn't exactly get the best kind of services. How awful is that? As a woman who is about to be a mother, I truly feel that every expecting person should get the same kind of treatment. Everyone deserves the same kind of attention.

Insurance is so incredibly high today hardly anyone can even afford it anymore. And we are supposedly one of the richest nation's? That is why there are so many among us without health coverage. Shouldn't that be a basic liberty for every citizen? I hope with this upcoming election, things will really be brought to the light and something will change. Hope is eternal and you definitely need it when you're ushering in a new generation. I'm very excited that my baby is going to be born around that time in November. It's a very good sign!

Every little second counts

This week has been pretty uneventful so far. I've had to spend my days couped up in a court room because of jury duty. It's pretty bad because I do not pay attention to what goes on whatsoever in that room. I make it pretty obvious that I just do not want to be there. I know it's my civic duty and all, but I don't particularly care for this case. I'm not allowed to talk about it, and believe me, I feel no need to. It's just an incredible hassle to get downtown to the court when you are 8 months pregnant. Also, please do not think that I'm an awful citizen, but at this stage in my life, I do not want to focus on the subject that this case is about. Although some good has come out of it.

Sitting there in the courtroom and my mind is like a thousand miles away, I have time to contemplate on a variety of things. I immediately go back into planning mode while I'm sitting there but also, I can just sit back and go off in dream land. I kept picturing holding my baby and being able to kiss and cuddle with him. Then I noticed something else strange today. I was staring at my belly and I could see different body parts poking out as he was stretching. It was amazing to see my belly rumbling or jumping when he decided to kick or roll over. I just sat there and watched in fascination. I rarely get a chance to do that because I'm either always working or doing some chore at home. So to be able to sit there for a few hours today and just stare at my tummy every time my baby did some kind of movement was really precious for me.

I know that soon he will be here and no longer in my tummy so I really do cherish every little second he is wiggling around in there. Also honestly, you can't help but to stare because it is the strangest thing seeing your belly do these waves because of a little life inside of there. When you've spent your whole life without your tummy moving, seeing little shakes here and there because the baby is doing a dance or something can really startle you. The movements were so strong, I thought for sure everyone sitting next to me could see it too. And that is how I spent my day. Productive huh? Lol!

Fall...

Have you heard the locusts lately? There are definite signs in the air that Fall is right around the corner. And I have to say that I couldn't be happier. Fall always takes me back to my childhood and running around with my cousin. Our grandma would rake up piles of leaves and we would run towards them and jump right in. The air would be filled with the smell of burning leaves. I love that smell...reminds me of the days leading up to cozy winters and drinking hot chocolate. Life seemed so much simpler then. It wasn't filled with heartbreak, disappointment, and bills.

Life was about going to school and looking forward to the next big Holiday. I think Fall tends to make a bunch of people feel nostalgic. It catapults us back to the times when we'd get our Halloween costumes ready and go out to get candy! What better treat could you ask for as a kid. One of my favorite items to get on Halloween were those balls of popcorn. They were so sweet and yummy. At school, we got to go on field trips to pumpkin patches and pick out our very own pumpkin. I loved digging out the seeds and making scary faces out of them. Another favorite was eating Carmel apples and having a cup of hot cider. I didn't know it then, but those memories would bring a smile to my face now as an adult.

I hope to fill my son's life with those kinds of memories and traditions. You don't realize it but those things tend to stay with you for a very long time. I can't wait to take him to pick out his first pumpkin or dress him in his first Halloween costume. I'm looking forward to making more memories with him and creating new traditions.

Update

By the way, I have decided to launch a totally different blog site....
I love being able to talk about being a mommy and preparing for baby, but I do have other interests! Stay tuned..

Having it All

In my previous post, I talked about what I wanted to do when I grow up. However, do we really get to pick and choose? The expectations that are placed upon us ranging from our parent's, friends, teachers, extended family members to society in general...they all know what is best for us. Society and everybody wants us to be career minded women while raising the perfect family. We are expected to finish school with the perfect degree and come out making a fortune while at the same time finding that perfect mate to settle down with and have kids.

As we all know from this blog, that was not the path I had taken. I took the less conventional route in starting my own family. However, that was my choice. There are plenty of other women who are still going about it the traditional way and I think it's good. But with so many expectations placed upon a woman's shoulder, it's no wonder that she may face a few obstacles while trying to achieve her goals. Women today have more options than ever before on what they can do with their lives. We have television shows and the media tempting us into the glamorous lifestyle just waiting for us somewhere out there. Family is put on hold so that you can globe trot and explore what life can truly offer you. At the same time, you have family members telling you to stop living in dream land, hurry up and find that husband so you can start your family while you are young. While you see and hear about all of these things, does anyone truly tell you how to achieve these things? You're left wondering, "What is it that you really want out of life?" And why are these expectations so emphasized while you are still in your 20's??

People are living longer than ever before. We are able to do more things within our lifetime than our ancestors. So the why the rush? Women can have babies in their late 30's - 40's. I say instead of listening to what everyone says you should do with your life, you should listen to your own heart and really chase after what will make you happy. You will never know what that could be until you actually go for it. Sitting around and just daydreaming about it will only fuel our curiosity some more. The world truly is at our finger tips. I am having a baby at a relatively young age still..but that doesn't mean, my goals have stopped there. I believe women can have it all....but I believe it also comes in time. We don't get it all at once, if we did, what would we do then with our lives? Some of us are just late bloomers. :) And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Life is meant to be explored, enjoyed, and to learn from. We have all heard that. I think we just need to remember that when we see someone else having all these things that we don't. Whether you have it all or not right now, it's about ..are you happy or not? While there are all these expectations on women, it all tends to crumble down if we are not happy in the end.

When I grow up....

As children playing on the swing sets , how often did we say to our friends, "When I grow up I'm going to..." And the list of things that we said we would accomplish seemed endless. One minute you wanted to be a doctor helping to save the world, the next minute, you wanted to be someone famous so you can dress up in pretty outfits and have fans adoring you. I know I used to spend my summers lying in the grass staring up at the clouds just fantasizing about how my life will be when I grow up....

At 27, I would say that I am pretty grown up by now. I didn't become a doctor saving a ton of lives or a famous singer landing on the top 40 list but I have had experiences where the memories of them will forever be etched in my mind. I've traveled to places where even postcards couldn't do it any justice. The exotic places I have gotten to see are so staggeringly beautiful that it literally took my breath away. Hawaii has this peaceful tranquility about it, that you instantly feel uplifted right when you drive away from the airport. The green mountaintops hidden behind misty white clouds make you feel transported to another dimension. It looks like how I imagine heaven would be. But nothing compared to the Canadian Rockies. Everyone who knows me would assume Hawaii would be my favorite place but in actuality...the breathtaking beauty of the Canadian Rockies made the most impression on me. The natural raw landscape that belongs to our northern neighbor looks like it came out of a fairy tale. Being there felt so far away from home, it really helped me get reacquainted with who I am. You are nestled deep in the valley surrounded by mountains and rivers. It was the safest place that I have ever felt.

So traveling to different places within the span of two years definitely satisfied the wanderlust that I had. I remember being in high school and saying, "I want to travel when I'm done with school." There are still places I would like to see, Venice, Paris, New Zealand, Tahiti, and Bali.....but for the most part I am deeply thankful that I got to see amazing landscapes that some people will go their whole lives never seeing. So maybe life didn't turn out the way that I imagined they would when I was a little girl, but I would say that it's been an amazing journey so far. I have loved with a passion and had my heart broken into a million pieces. I have laughed a thousand times and stayed up all night consoling a friend.

And now onto a new journey.....I can't even imagine how much my life is going to dramatically change after my little one's arrival. Already he has inspired me in so many ways. He has been the push to get me to do something I have always loved...writing. I am on the brink of the unknown. I am excited and nervous all at once to turn onto life's next corner......

A Little Blue

With the way that I've been going lately, how do I even have time to stop and analyze my feelings? For some reason after work today and having dinner at my family's house, I came back home feeling a bit melancholy. There's a heaviness around my heart and I'm not sure what the reason is. Could it be that Fall is just around the corner? I know that always gets everyone feeling a bit nostalgic...

I remember during this time of year, I would be starting new classes at school and meeting all sorts of new and interesting people. That could be another reason why the blues are upon me. But just like everything else in life, there are seasons for everything. My life is about to take on a major transition. These are the last few days of it ever being just about me. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally excited and can't wait to hold my precious baby in my arms, but I'm also saying goodbye to an identity that I've held onto for a very long time....

No more cocktail hours after work with my girlies, no more spending hours at a time in the bookstore devouring fashion magazines, and no more buying tons of makeup that I will never truly use anyways. I will miss some of that very much, I'm sure. I would be lying if I said, those things will no longer matter. But overall, I am ready for this new endeavor, it's just letting go of the old me and welcoming the new. :)

Random Thoughts

Up to date, I had so far very much enjoyed carrying the little one around. But now, he is getting heavier and heavier. I have to literally roll out of bed every morning. It would actually be quite funny if I wasn't so tired. I also the get the pitying looks from co-workers when they see me climbing up the stairs. "Yes, people I have 2 more months to go!" Sometimes, I feel like I need a wheel barrel to get me around. The good news is, cooler weather should be heading our way soon. I feel for mothers who are in their 8th or 9th month of pregnancy during the months of July and August. Eek!

Today was especially a cooler day and boy did it feel good to me. I could feel the breeze gently caressing my face whenever I stepped outside. However, just getting out of my chair at work or walking across to the other side of the building can be like a workout for me. Okay, I'm whining. Overall, I'm just excited to meet my little one. You spend so much time daydreaming about your baby during pregnancy, that by the last few months, you can't wait to put him in the little outfits that has already been steadily building. They say that only little girls have the cute outfits but so far I have picked out some adorable boy clothing for my little pumpkin. He is definitely going to be stylin. Also, I have always loved how Angelina Jolie used put Maddox's hair into a small mohawk. Hopefully, my little one will have enough hair for me to do that in a few months!

Everyone is waiting for his arrival with bated breath. I am so lucky to have great friends who are overjoyed to see me prego. I have always wanted a baby before 30 and now I'm 27. It feels right. Maybe it's not the conventional way of having a child, but anyone can attest to how responsible I am. I have learned that life isn't perfect and things may not always go your way but how you handle those obstacles speak a lot louder than coasting through an easy ride. The good news is, I know I'm not the only women in the world who is in this position. Therefore, I wanted to create this blog to offer a kind of comfort to anyone who may be able to relate to my story. My friends know me better than almost anyone, but no one can truly understand what it feels like to go through a pregnancy without a partner unless you were in the same position. It makes you stronger inside and you truly see how resilient women can be when they need to step up to the plate. Cheers Ladies! :)

New Changes

It has been a pretty busy weekend. Did a lot of errands and hung out with one of my best friends who I haven't hung out with in forever. We have known each other for a long time and did a lot of things together in the past few years. But ever since I found out I was prego...a small wedge of distance have come between us. We used to talk about how our many friends change after becoming parent's and all they ever talk about our babies. We just didn't understand those friends. We were aligned in our thinking and made a silent pact to never turn into one of those moms. Alas.....times have changed, and guess who is in that boat now??

And the whole mommy brain just sort of creeps up on you. I went from a girl who had so many interests and a thirst to learn all of these interesting things from around the world. And I still am the same girl, but now....everything I think about follows with.."What else will my baby need? Have I saved enough for maternity leave? Did I eat pretty well today? The baby sure is moving around a lot in my tummy." It just happens. One day you are a girl who only has to think about herself and the next thing you know, your whole brain is occupied with the little person inside of you. Now before I hung out with my friend yesterday, she sort of had a talk with me about it. I totally understood where she was coming from. Her best friend had changed virtually overnight. I still love hearing about her life and what's been going on, but now that I'm home more often and doing so many other things to prepare for baby, we just don't have as much in common anymore. And that's how we fell out of sync. Don't get me wrong, she loves hearing about the baby and how he's doing in my belly, but she does not want 90% of our conversation to be about him and I don't blame her. I'm happy to say, when we hung out yesterday...it was really good to catch up and baby was mentioned only a few times. At least I think so. I tend to mention him and not even realize it. Oops.

At the end of the day, I just had to reconcile with the fact that my life is never going to be the same again. I won't get to relate to my single friends who have no attachments the way that I used to be able to. That's just how life is. But I am gaining so much too. I can't wait to hold my precious little one in a couple of months. My friend and I acknowledged the change but also promised that we will always love each other and will do whatever we can to remain close. No matter what happens, we will always be there for one another. I can't wait for my baby to meet his auntie.

Emotions

Never before have I cried so much during a period of time. I cry so easily now. When someone says something really sweet to me, I am easily touched. I am more sensitive and sympathizing to everyone around me now. I think it is because I want to bring my baby into a world full of kindness towards strangers and everyone around. When you are expecting, how the world is like surrounding you becomes very important. You're more aware of how you would like things to be before this new life is about to enter into our world.

I'm so easily moved by the stories that I hear from everyone everyday. It starts with a simple "How's your day going?" to get people to open up and tell you something small or big. By doing that, you may provide someone with a kind of release that they may have needed at that moment. We all get so stuck in our own little world. It's easy to get wrapped up in our own issues. But by stepping out and hearing what others are going through, you are not only showing kindness, you are also seeing things from another perspective. It may make you feel like you are less alone or grateful for the blessings in your own life. Since I am experiencing heavier emotions than what I normally have, it's now easier for me to understand someone else's turmoil. I hope that I'm offering the kind of sympathy to those who come to me that I would like to receive. My baby has made me see it's not always about me. Everything I eat affects him. Every decision I make will affect him. He has helped to open me up. In a larger sense this has helped me truly understand that what I give in this world is just as important as what I get.

Off It Went

I couldn't take it anymore and with this hot weather feeling like it's endless...I chopped my hair off and have never felt better. My best friends really didn't want me to but they don't have to hassle with it an infant coming along soon, I just do not want to deal with styling it in the mornings. A lot of women say that urge to cut hair happens during pregnancy and it's so true. But with prenatal vitamins taken everyday your hair grows so fast!

Comments Comments Comments Everywhere!!

It is so amazing the many things I have heard people say about my pregnancy. One of my buddies last month said to me, "You look like you are about to pop! No, seriously are you supposed to be this big at 6 months?" See the thing is, in the beginning of my pregnancy I had a hard time gaining weight, and that worried me. So I overcompensated and overate. Now my doctor has put me on a diet because he said getting too big too fast is not good on my frame. I gained about 25 pounds in only two months. No idea how that happened (donuts, brownies, and cake was too hard to resist at work)!! So sitting around yesterday at the birthday party, I tell everyone about the doctor's orders and my buddy once again said, "Does it look like she's suffering?" He asks that while pointing at me as I'm stuffing my face with another sloppy joe burger. I have to say, I love eating for two :)
But I am doing my best and listening to my doctor and actually ever since he told me to slow down, I have not gained weight, but have leveled off quite well which will make him happy when I go in this Friday.

So on my frame and the way that I was gaining weight, other co-workers ask me, "Are you sure you're not having twins?" "How much longer do you have?" My belly is pretty big, but I wanted a chubby baby!! However, with the way my back is hurting lately and still 2 months to go, I'm beginning to see why everyone wants me to slow down!! I guess no 9 pounds baby for me. Haha. When I told my doctor about me wanting that, his eyes almost popped out. I'm only 5 feet tall. Everyone seems to agree with him, me having a baby that big will not be easy on me. So I will believe them.

Today my back felt much better! I think it is because I slept with even more pillows around me. I almost started sleeping on my recliner but gave my bed one more chance and added the pillows. I also made a note to myself to shift positions a lot more during the night. So all is good in my prego world again. With my big belly and the way I waddle around the offices at work, everyone always ask how I'm doing. They must think I'm pretty uncomfortable, but I'm okay. Getting up the stairs make me lose my breath a bit....but overall, I can maneuver around just fine. The expressions on every one's face though is pretty funny when they are staring at my belly. I'm enjoying it all.

Is it only Monday?

I wish the weekend was here already. I woke up this morning and had the worst backache..and I heard it only gets worse from here until he's born. Thank goodness my co-worker gave me a small massage at work. She's a lifesaver. It hurt so bad by the end of the work day, I thought I would start crying then and there. It's so hard to shift positions because of my big belly that I tend to stay in only one position the whole night long and wake up so sore!
It's days like this that I feel like I'm ready to have him now. Two more months! Oh my goodness.

It's so funny because on my good days, I'm like...wow this is great, I can go through this for another couple of months. But not so much today. Instead, all I wish for is a massage every night. It makes me feel a little sad because I wish I had someone who was here for me, someone I could lean on. However, I know things happen for a reason, and on the days that I'm feeling wonderful, I count my blessings for everything that I do have in my life. A little self pity every now and then makes me human, right? Okay time to turn in. By the way, if anyone reading this has any kind of advice on getting through the last trimester, I welcome it freely. :)

Ahh..Sunday

The weekends always go by way too fast. So many errands to do and in between just relaxing around the home. Next thing you know....it's almost time for another work day. Another crazy week about to begin. It's good and bad because that means pretty soon my baby will be born. I'm very excited about that. I got some more cloths for him over the weekend. Why are baby cloths so adorable? I can't wait to put him in them. Makes me even more anxious to hold him.

Every one's advice to me is..don't buy too many cloths, wait until the baby shower...and also they grow out of new born clothing very fast. Even knowing all of that, I keep wanting to make sure he has enough! Tomorrow is my best friend's son's birthday celebration. So I'm running over there right after work and have even more errands to do in the evenings later on in the week. This is why I love having low key weekends. My weeks are always so crazy on top of working. Yesterday, I was at the hospital for about 4 hours! They had to draw blood because they think I might have gestational diabetes. They literally took my blood every hour. And you can't eat or drink for 8 hours before then. I asked everyone around, "Doesn't that starve the baby not eating for so long?!" And everyone just laughed at me. At the hospital it was exhausting. I was soooo tired while waiting there, that they gave me a warm blanket and I slept in between the blood draws in the waiting room. But the new the hospital looks amazing! I can't wait to take a tour of the maternity ward. I need to schedule that very soon.

My baby shower is not until a month before I'm due in October. I can't wait to see what kind of baby things I will get. I told of all my friends though, not too many games. I remember going to all these baby showers and having to play all of these games, it was so boring for me! I do not want to do that to others. I'm having a guy's and girl's shower because some of my male friends actually want to come too! I'm very lucky to have the support. So instead of just a normal shower, I want it to be more like a party and fun for everyone. I even asked that there be drinks to serve even though I can't have any :( I want people to leave my shower saying, they had a great time! Realistic or not?? We'll see. Haha

I hope to become a really cool and modern mom. I don't want to be one of those mom's who get sucked in the baby world and never seem to come out of it. Not to say there is anything wrong with that. But whenever I would hang out with a mommy friend in the past, all she could talk about were baby things. Then again, they were mainly stay at home mom's, which they are lucky to be able to do. However, for myself, I want to be a great mom while still very in touch with the world around me. I want to be able to relate to my single friends in some ways too. I know I will be different but hopefully not too much. Am I kidding myself? Again, I'll have to see. Already though I see that I'm pretty wrapped up in preparing for the baby, but I still make time to chat with my friends, have dinner with them, watch the news, and catch up on celebrity gossip. I wonder how much of that will have to go once baby arrives...