Happy Weekend!

It's so nice to have 4 full days of not working. I have been making sure that I spend as much time with baby K as possible. However, on Thanksgiving that was not easy. He was passed from one family member to the other. But he loved it. He loves looking at different faces. By the time he came home, he was passed out for the night...well at least until 2 in the morning when he woke up wanting his bottle.


After the night ended, I started talking to one of my cousins and he asked how I'm doing. I told him I have never been happier. One of the other younger cousins who somehow seemed to miss everything didn't even know I had a baby. No one bothered to tell him. Lol! He came downstairs and was like, "Who's baby is that?" He had been away at school during most of my pregnancy so he never even saw me getting heavier. However all of his siblings knew, I think everyone told him but he was oblivious. He then asked me, "So are you married now?" I just laughed. I think I will always get that question whenever anyone sees me with baby K. It doesn't bother me but it really shows how our society is still so tied to the idea of marriage first then baby. Back to my conversation with my cousin after he asked how I'm doing. I told him that I know I chose to take my life down the unconventional path by having a baby on my own especially in my culture but this was the right choice for me.

I always knew I was going to a mom. How I got there, I wasn't sure and now that I am a mom, it's the most fulfilling feeling I have ever had and I was trying to describe it to my cousin. He reassured me that I did the right thing no matter what anyone says and that he was really proud of me. I was even more aware of it when last night, I was putting baby K to sleep and he was silent and at peace staring up at me, I gave him a smile and he smiled back in return. It was a very heart melting moment. It was smile and off to dream land for baby K. Here a picture of him staring up into Uncle's Steven's face and smiling on Thanksgiving! Baby K has made the holiday even sweeter! I can't wait until Christmas!

Back At Work

Going back to work has been one of the most excruciating things I have ever done. I tried to be brave when I dropped him off with the sitter but the moment she said she had tissues for me on my drive to work, I couldn't help myself and burst into tears. Handing over my most precious cargo was like tearing my very own heart out. Now when I was at work, the hours just flew by because of all the work that needed to be done and I also got to visit my baby during lunch. Also, co-workers stopped by one by one to speak about my favorite subject (baby K) and that led to even more time passing by fast. So by the end of the day, I thought I was going to be okay.



But when I woke up this morning and fed baby K and was getting the both of us ready, I had some time left to cuddle and play with him for a bit. He rewarded me with this big smile and that's when I lost it again! My biggest fear is that all the hours he will spend with his sitter, he won't know who I am. I know it's crazy, but that fear is there. Now when 5 comes around at the end of my work day, I make sure that I am out of the office and on my way to pick him up. As soon as we get home, we cuddle and I hardly let him go. Leaving work is completely different now. In the past, I would just contemplate dinner and wonder what good show would be on later at night. Now I can't wait to see my baby and just hold him in my arms because the next morning comes way too soon. The good thing about going back to work is that it makes every second with him even more precious. Gotta go..he is crying for mommy.

E-waste

Another link to a story on how e-waste is affecting those who are "getting rid of it. "
http://marketplace.publicradio.org/display/web/2007/11/14/consumed5_pm_1

Ranting

Since becoming pregnant, my friends and family can attest to how easily I cry now. Anytime I see something on the news that involves some horror being inflicted to a child anywhere in this world, I cry. One of my best friend's came over to visit me a few weeks ago and we talked about her move next year, immediately I started crying. She didn't know how to react. On one hand, she has been used to seeing me cry throughout my pregnancy, on the other hand, how easily I cry is something else. Having baby K in my life has opened up my heart in so many ways, I can't even begin to describe it. At first I thought since I love him so much, there couldn't possibly be anymore room for me to love anything else. However, the powerful flow of the love that I have for him has expanded my heart in more ways than I could ever have imagined. Some people believe children pick their parent's before their birth. I believe baby K was sent to me like a little angel to inspire me to spread more love all around.

Which takes me back to the beginning of this blog. Seeing how innocent and delicate my baby is, I just can't understand how or why anyone would want to hurt a child. Children cannot defend themselves. Being around children is one of the best ways of seeing the law of attraction in action immediately. Children are so open with their feelings, they haven't learned how to put their guard up yet. When you cuddle and constantly show affection to them, they reward you with this full hearted smile that just takes your breath away. You grow overwhelmed with pride that you got to be the one to make them smile. So what happens to children who aren't being nurtured and cared for? Children who are abused? What do you think? How do they grow up?

I saw on an episode of 60 minutes a place in China where leftover computer and other technological materials are going to be "destroyed." People there are being paid this pitiful amount to do this so called job. Only they're not really doing it right and so dangerous toxins are seeping into their water and land increasing their chances of getting all sorts of cancer. It broke my heart to see a child playing in a small stream of water. The people there are aware of the danger from doing the job, but they are also desperate for the small amount of income. Now the important question becomes, how can anyone even allow for this to happen? Our their lives so meaningless that it's okay to leave them in this e-waste region? And what is it doing for our planet? Where do you think unwanted computer parts go? I'm sure not a lot of people are aware of the consequences that go along with throwing these items out. I urge everyone to look into this. We only have one planet that is sustainable for humankind, it is up to us to protect it. Please check out this link if you have a chance. http://www.greenlivingonline.com/HomeGarden/stop-e-waste-by-recycling/

Our Healthcare (long post)

Okay, this post is going to be slightly different from my regular posts. One of the most talked about debates I have heard and read lately is on our country's health care. I have always hated how things were regarding this topic, but now I feel it just keeps getting worse. Why is our country one of the last in the world to not provide free health care? Not that I'm really sure this is the way to go....

All I know is that what I've heard from those who are on Medicaid, they get crappy health treatment and not the same kind as those who have regular health insurance. And what about those who actually pay the hefty premiums? I have noticed from my own experience that most of the time, the doctor's want to spend only the allotted time their "schedule" permits, to correctly diagnose whatever issue you went to them for in the first place. So they prescribe some random prescription drug or an at home remedy and send you off. If you go back to them again because you are still suffering, you are in there for maybe about 10 minutes, and if they still can't figure you out, they either refer you to a specialist or make you get an MRI. All of those things cost money. Our own money. The insurance company and you pay for it. Why not take the time to really talk to a patient and process the symptoms then direct them to whatever treatment is needed? I'm not saying complicated diseases are easy to figure out, but I honestly feel a lot of illnesses could be diagnosed sooner. Not that I'm pointing the blame solely on doctor's, there are reasons behind every action.

Now I really like the pediatrician baby K goes to but even with her, I feel like she is in a hurry whenever we see her. I guess her time truly is precious. She is sweet to him and is so far pretty good but it worries me how much of a hurry she always seems to be in. Now I pay a lot of money for both mine and my baby's health care. Even though I have always complained about my own doctor, I really expect the best one for my baby.

Again, would health care be as costly if symptoms were diagnosed correctly sooner rather than lately? I'm sure there are plenty of ways to cut health costs, I can't go into all of that right now. It is pretty late. I just feel our health system is in a really sad state. People who really need health care and can't afford it are basically given crappy treatment. Those who do have insurance are paying an arm and leg for it. Why is that if you are an illegal immigrant in this country, you don't have to pay anything but if you are a hard working citizen, you pay a ton for health coverage? Where is the balance? I honestly feel everyone should have health care provided. Would there be so many issues with this if greed wasn't a factor? Centuries ago when societies were more about building up the community and not just individual selves, physicians freely took care of everyone around them, even those who couldn't afford to knowing somehow they would be paid in other ways. An example would be from a poor merchant who had fallen on hard times who later give free goods to that physician for earlier treatment. The exchange was trust, not money. I'm not saying things were always golden, but as we have evolved and the chase is for accumulating more material items what good has that served us?

Updated pic of me and my baby K

He is looking up at his mommy. :)

Song

I wanted to put the lyrics of a song by Shania Twain on here that I really love. I've always loved her as a singer and thought her songs were heart touching but this particular song really stuck out for me the first time I heard it. In a way it reminds me of my mom and always brings tears to my eyes. Now I have my own baby and am so glad I kept him even though there were doubts from many people who told me otherwise. Life will present challenges and what we do with them will determine who we become. Shania herself has an amazing story, she lost her parent's when she was really young and had to support her siblings on her own. Now look where she is today. I strongly suggest everyone listen to this song sometime.

Shania Twain

I Ain't Goin' Down lyrics

I'm gonna hold on--'cause what I believe in is so strong

No matter how long, no one Can tell me I'm wrong--I ain't goin' down. I had a baby at fifteen--Daddy never did forgive me I never heard from the guy again

I had to drop outta high school--Everybody treated me so cruel

But I didn't give in and giver her away

[Repeat Chorus]

Her smile got me through the day--And every night I'd pray

I could give her enough

At night I'd lie awake and cry--Hopin' we'd get by'Cause you can't live on love

I worked night and day to keep us goin'

Through the sweat and tears Without her knowin'

It was worth it just to watch her grow

Oh, oh, at least I was able to hold her

Whenever she needed my shoulder

I'm so glad I never let her go

[Repeat Chorus]

Her smile got me through the years--Dried away the tears

And filled me with hope

At night I'd lie awake and cry--Prayed we would get by

And for the courage to cope

Oh, oh, oh[Instrumental solo]

Her smile got me through the day--And every night

I'd pray I could give her enough

[Repeat Chorus (2x)]No on can tell me I'm wrong

I ain't goin' down

Mom Equal Guilts

Being a mom has a lot of rewards. You have this adorable little person you can cuddle with and eyes that stare back at you with utter innocence. Living in this chaotic crazy world where everything is moving way too fast, nothing beats having your child stare into your eyes as you are feeding him or her. However, there is also another major downfall that comes with motherhood. I've heard it before but the actual experience of it really is bad. It is 24 hours of guilt. If I want a moment to myself to read an article and he's awake, I feel guilt. If I take too long to lift him out of his bed when he's crying in the middle of night because he's hungry, I feel guilt. I chide myself constantly for not being a good enough mother even though he seems like a fairly happy baby especially after getting his bottle.

Something tells me this will never go away. When I get that nagging feeling of guilt bubbling up, I have to stop and evaluate the situation carefully or it just eats at me. I actually talk myself through the whole scenario and eventually I either realize I'm being ridiculous or I chalk it up to a lesson learned. I have to constantly remind myself that I am a brand new mom who is utterly devoted to her son and only wants the best for him but there are things I have yet to learn. Oh and another thing, all of the women in my family like to point out what I need to do for my child. Now don't get me wrong, I love them very much but to constantly have them in my ear about how to swaddle him, how to feed him, how to burp him makes me want to scream!! I'm so glad to have this blog to vent about this. Now I have held my tongue which normally I don't do but I know they are only saying things out of love. I just go into my own world when they start their advice giving. And then I nod and say, "OK I will listen to you." As soon as they are out the door, I go back to how I take care of him. I am with my son all day long, I know how he likes to be taken care of and when there are questions, I immediately call his pediatrician or my other mommy friends. My family members have given me wrong advice so many times now I have learned to be careful when taking their advice. When the doctor put me on bed rest, they kept stressing to me to go out walking to help the pregnancy out. Just to shut them up, I asked my doctor if it was okay for me to go on daily walks and he sternly said, "No, I put you on bed rest, that means no daily walks." Thank you!

Aright, off to bed now. It's late, I never stayed up this late before baby, how am I going to survive the work schedule again once I go back???

Looking Back

I can't believe how many changes have occurred in just a year. Last November, I was getting ready to start a new job. I was excited about the change and ready for it. Little did I know how much life would change in just a year. A friend I grew up who was single last year just got married and moved to California. Another friend delivered 5 babies and is now home with them. They are so adorable! So I can't complain too much with just 1 baby! Auntie C turned 30 this year and we were so glad to be there to celebrate that occasion. And I for the first time went to vote. Yep, baby K and I went on Tuesday to vote. I know it's sad that this was the first time I did it but in the past, I just didn't know enough about politics which is no excuse! However I am older now and I realize how truly important it is to vote. It matters and having a baby pushed me to really become involved. Hopefully our country will see a lot of good changes in the next couple of years. All I know is that I'm really optimistic and am excited to see how things will unfold. No matter how down things may look, all I can do is accept it and just hope that tomorrow will bring better changes. Everything in life happens for a reason. I know that for sure. In the beginning of my pregnancy, I was scared and didn't think I was up to the challenge of becoming a single mother. Now I know baby K has made me a better person and everyday he teaches something new.

I can't believe how fast this year has passed. One of my friends visited me and baby K the other evening and he said he couldn't believe I already had my baby, he said it seemed only like yesterday that I told him I was having a baby. Auntie H and I marvel at the changes from last year all the time. How fun was it to flirt with a particular guy at his workplace last year? Thinking about him still makes me giggle. You know who I'm talking Auntie H! And you'll always remember my reaction at McAlister's! I never waddled so fast out of place ever! But I regret nothing. I like to think of life as an adventure to be enjoyed with the people you love. Lot's of laughter can cure just about anything and the memories I have gathered this year will always have a strong impression on me. I'm going to miss my buddy who moved to Cali, who else can tell me I eat like a cow? But I'm happy for him and wish him lot's of love. Now winter is coming and a new year is right around the corner...

I have posted some pics on here. Sorry took so long!

Time Speeding By

I am with my son all the time except for when I have to do a quick errand and he's with grandma. My maternity leave will be over in a couple of weeks and it's painful to think about. I have all of the normal fears that go with leaving your child for more than a few hours. Will he be taken care of the way that I take care of him? Will he be held when he's screaming his head off just because he needs some loving attention? Will he like his daycare person more than his mommy? I can't believe how fast time moves. It seems just like yesterday I was going into the hospital to have him. And now he is getting so big right before my eyes. The other day I was holding and feeding him and I remembered how extremely tiny he was when he came home from the hospital. He looked like a tiny little doll, his cries so soft, you had to be really close to him to hear it.

Now his face has rounded out and you can practically hear his cries down the street when he's hungry. He has no patience when it comes to his bottle! I just want to enjoy every single second with him. Even though it's hard sometimes, I love being at his beck and call throughout the day. More and more his personality is coming out and I like to think that he truly recognizes his mommy when I pick him up after a long nap. Gotta go, he is waking up and he's hungry!

Life Shifts

Even though in some ways, I'd like for things to stay the same, I know they will never be again. Everything is viewed so differently now. I've always cared about the environment around me but now it's 10 fold. More than anything in this world, I want peace and stability to surround us.

Another change I've noticed is that I used to love working but now the thought of leaving my baby for so many hours fill me with such anxiety I can't even think about it without tearing up. I've grown so attached to my son, that if he's not in the same room with me for a more than a few hours, I can't stand it. Yet, when I'm with him all day long, I yearn to have a moment just by myself. It's difficult to explain, I'm torn between two very different emotions. I can't stand to be without him, but I also long to travel somewhere for a few hours to roam around and explore a new environment without worrying about my son like the old me. However, I know that will never happen. I am not the old me. I am a brand new person. I'm not sure if other women who are brand new mom's can relate to this or not, but I remember one time when I first got into my car to drive somewhere it had felt so wonderful to not have a bump or baby in the back seat. It was just me. I didn't have to worry about someone else at that moment. I knew he was in good hands with his grandma. But when I arrived home, I didn't waste one second reaching for my son to just stare at him. It's like the old me still wants to come out but the new me is definitely there. Very conflicting. I don't know if my words are making any sense or not, I can't seem to process things the way that I used to. I'm sure I just need more time to reconcile my emotions. Being a mom is incredibly rewarding but at the same time, there are so many shifts internally and externally that nothing can prepare you for it. Life takes on a whole new meaning.