Life Shifts

Even though in some ways, I'd like for things to stay the same, I know they will never be again. Everything is viewed so differently now. I've always cared about the environment around me but now it's 10 fold. More than anything in this world, I want peace and stability to surround us.

Another change I've noticed is that I used to love working but now the thought of leaving my baby for so many hours fill me with such anxiety I can't even think about it without tearing up. I've grown so attached to my son, that if he's not in the same room with me for a more than a few hours, I can't stand it. Yet, when I'm with him all day long, I yearn to have a moment just by myself. It's difficult to explain, I'm torn between two very different emotions. I can't stand to be without him, but I also long to travel somewhere for a few hours to roam around and explore a new environment without worrying about my son like the old me. However, I know that will never happen. I am not the old me. I am a brand new person. I'm not sure if other women who are brand new mom's can relate to this or not, but I remember one time when I first got into my car to drive somewhere it had felt so wonderful to not have a bump or baby in the back seat. It was just me. I didn't have to worry about someone else at that moment. I knew he was in good hands with his grandma. But when I arrived home, I didn't waste one second reaching for my son to just stare at him. It's like the old me still wants to come out but the new me is definitely there. Very conflicting. I don't know if my words are making any sense or not, I can't seem to process things the way that I used to. I'm sure I just need more time to reconcile my emotions. Being a mom is incredibly rewarding but at the same time, there are so many shifts internally and externally that nothing can prepare you for it. Life takes on a whole new meaning.